my luck at the doctor's office

i was so excited to get great news about brette,

i didn't get a chance to share the whole story about my appointment.

 

...

 

in the last 8 months of going to the doctor

i have never had to do anything more than lift up my shirt

so my doctor could access my stomach.

so i was a little thrown off when the nurse told me to disrobe

from the waist down at my appointment on thursday.

although caught off guard, i wasn't totally unprepared.

i had showered and shaved that morning

and i happened to be wearing my newest undies.

talk about luck.

it wasn't until i was "ready and waiting" for the doctor,

that i realized something was... off.

there was a definite stench filling the room.

my feet  - - they smelled horrible.

i was wearing my go-to black flats.

they are suede moccasins that have been wet a time or two,

and i wear them quite often without socks.

you can imagine.

and i don't have stinky feet - - i promise. 

except for in these shoes.

and they reek.

dammit all to hell.

so i'm sitting there with a freaking sheet on

and realize the doctor is going to come in a think she's walked into a men's locker room.

not to mention my feet are going to be
up by her poor face when its stirrup time.

shit. shit. shit.

i decide that masking the odor is my best course of action.

i wrap my sheet around me like a towel,

pray that the doctor doesn't pick this moment to come in,

get a couple of squirts out of the gallon sized hand sanitizer on the counter

and start rubbing down my feet.

surely, this will "clean" them and make them smell, if nothing else, sterile.

but no.

i'm pretty sure the combo was just as unpleasant.

and now my hands kind of smell weird too.

crap.

plus i realize that really, i hadn't dealt with the heart of the problem.

my shoes.

they are still down on the floor stinking up the room.

so i'm up again, sheet wrapped around me again, really testing the limits of the amount of time i have left before the doctor walks in. i decide to stash my shoes inside my purse.

hopefully this will conceal the problem and allow the room to air out.

once back on the table, i'm really wishing i had washed my hands and grabbed a breath mint,

the combo of soap and minty fresh breath could have surely saved me.

but i'm too scared to chance getting up for a third time

 

there's a knock at the door and in comes my doctor.

i don't know what she smelled when she walked in.

i know she didn't make any sort of face, so that's a good sign.

but i am sure she was wondering why i was mildly sweaty and had the sheet

that normal women lay over their laps, wrapped and knotted around me like i was testing her true need for this examination.

 

oh yes, hello, let me just stand up for a second to unwrap this sheet.

so embarrassing.