in an instant

you never really know what goes on behind closed doors,

but this blog helps me share what happens in our lives
and i'm going to open our door a little wider today.
it's taken me awhile to share,
but i have found talking about it helps.

ronnie and i decided we wanted another baby.
and we started trying in july.

we found out we were pregnant on july 29th.

i was so excited.
once again ronnie and i scored big within the first week.

i literally thought the timing of this next baby was perfect.

20 months between this little one and brette.

i due the very tail-end of march on the 28th.

wahoo, let the countdown begin!

a few weeks later i went to the doctor and they confirmed the pregnancy.

we were picking out names.

discussing the sex.
i had a feeling we were having a boy.

and i was designing the nursery.
i even took our picture to go with the ones
i had from brette.

i started counting down the days until i could

share our wonderful news with family and friends.

i am always super careful not to tell people before my first

trimester because of the possibility of a miscarriage.

after week 12 the likelihood goes down by a ton,

so i knew i needed to make it until mid-september.
i was waiting for my birthday.

i made it so close.

on saturday, september 6th,
i started bleeding.

shit.
i was 11 weeks,
this isn't supposed to happen now.
i was scared.

it was a saturday, so i had to go to the emergency room.
i arrived at 2pm and waited.

ronnie met me there after brette woke up from her nap,

at 5:30 we were still waiting so i told ronnie

to leave and take brette home so they could have dinner

and put brette to bed.

finally at 6pm - - four hours after arriving - -

i was taken back to see a nurse.

they started an IV,

took my blood

and did an ultrasound.

around 8pm a doctor came in to share the results.

we had lost the baby.

the tears and questions came.

the egg had not been fully fertilized.

it never stood a chance to develop fully.

in fact, it never made it past six weeks.
"nothing you could do. a genetic defect with the baby."

why? why. why.

so i was not carrying a 12 week old little baby.

i only made it six weeks, so

it was a small sack of cells and tissue.

i don't know why,

but that helps me with the loss.

it also helped that i didn't have to go through a d&c

and i could let my body naturally run its course.

 it took me a few days to come to terms with the difference

between what i thought i had,

and what i actually had.
and it took me a few weeks to physically recover.
that's rough.
its a constant reminder that
you were supposed to be pregnant.

now my desire to have another baby is 100 times amplified.

of course, i have to let my body heal

and give it time to recover,
but its hard to wait.
and i feel like e v e r y o n e  is pregnant.
i'm surrounded by people due in march and april.
i wish i was still a part of that.

i'm so sad that i don't get to give our family another little baby right now.

i wanted it so much.

i'm staying positive that it will all turn out just the way it is supposed to.
and i really believe that if i'm meant to have another baby,
then i will.
and if brette is all we get,
then i still have something so crazy wonderful that
i don't dare question why i might not get more.
what a blessing my girl is.

but as my sister-n-law pointed out:

it's a sad reminder that nothing in life is guaranteed.

hold your babies tight and

keep this little family of mine in your prayers.

MARCH