Sunday, October 12, 2014

in an instant

you never really know what goes on behind closed doors,
but this blog helps me share what happens in our lives
and i'm going to open our door a little wider today.
it's taken me awhile to share,
but i have found talking about it helps.

ronnie and i decided we wanted another baby.
and we started trying in july.
we found out we were pregnant on july 29th.
i was so excited.
once again ronnie and i scored big within the first week.
i literally thought the timing of this next baby was perfect.
20 months between this little one and brette.
i due the very tail-end of march on the 28th.
wahoo, let the countdown begin!
a few weeks later i went to the doctor and they confirmed the pregnancy.
we were picking out names.
discussing the sex.
i had a feeling we were having a boy.
and i was designing the nursery.
i even took our picture to go with the ones
i had from brette.

i started counting down the days until i could
share our wonderful news with family and friends.
i am always super careful not to tell people before my first
trimester because of the possibility of a miscarriage.
after week 12 the likelihood goes down by a ton,
so i knew i needed to make it until mid-september.
i was waiting for my birthday.

i made it so close.

on saturday, september 6th,
i started bleeding.
i was 11 weeks,
this isn't supposed to happen now.
i was scared.
it was a saturday, so i had to go to the emergency room.
i arrived at 2pm and waited.
ronnie met me there after brette woke up from her nap,
at 5:30 we were still waiting so i told ronnie
to leave and take brette home so they could have dinner
and put brette to bed.
finally at 6pm - - four hours after arriving - -
i was taken back to see a nurse.
they started an IV,
took my blood
and did an ultrasound.
around 8pm a doctor came in to share the results.
we had lost the baby.
the tears and questions came.
the egg had not been fully fertilized.
it never stood a chance to develop fully.
in fact, it never made it past six weeks.
"nothing you could do. a genetic defect with the baby."
why? why. why.
so i was not carrying a 12 week old little baby.
i only made it six weeks, so
it was a small sack of cells and tissue.
i don't know why,
but that helps me with the loss.
it also helped that i didn't have to go through a d&c
and i could let my body naturally run its course.
 it took me a few days to come to terms with the difference
between what i thought i had,
and what i actually had.
and it took me a few weeks to physically recover.
that's rough.
its a constant reminder that
you were supposed to be pregnant.

now my desire to have another baby is 100 times amplified.
of course, i have to let my body heal
and give it time to recover,
but its hard to wait.
and i feel like e v e r y o n e  is pregnant.
i'm surrounded by people due in march and april.
i wish i was still a part of that.
i'm so sad that i don't get to give our family another little baby right now.
i wanted it so much.
i'm staying positive that it will all turn out just the way it is supposed to.
and i really believe that if i'm meant to have another baby,
then i will.
and if brette is all we get,
then i still have something so crazy wonderful that
i don't dare question why i might not get more.
what a blessing my girl is.
but as my sister-n-law pointed out:
it's a sad reminder that nothing in life is guaranteed.
hold your babies tight and
keep this little family of mine in your prayers.



  1. Thinking of your sweet family and you! I know how hard it is. Hugs!!

  2. Oh, Brooke. I'm so sorry! Keeping your family in our prayers!

  3. Sounds so very similar to what I went through between Caitlin and William. Got pregnant but starting bleeding at 12 weeks and it turns out the baby hadn't made it past 8 weeks. It was hard, it was devastating and I was very sad. Keeping you in my prayers. It will get better. Melinda